Anger and Examination

There’s a sign floating above my head.  Really, there must be one there.  I can’t see it but it must be bright block letters, reflective even.  It clearly reads, “Beat Me!”  It’s been a common theme for a week now.  It’s time to change the sign.  Today I felt happy.  I’m completely exhausted which I’ll grant you tends to leave me emotionally vulnerable.  However, I was laughing and smiling and it felt good.  I was looking up out of this cave I find myself in and saw a ray of light shining into the opening.  It hadn’t reached me but I was moving towards it.  Just as I cautiously step far enough to feel the warmth of it on my face someone takes a shovel and knocks me back.

This time they’re not just messing with my emotions, they’re messing with my livelihood.  This time rather than just hurt, I’m angry.  Anger such that I’d love to take the shotgun and a box of shells and just go blow stuff up.  Feel the rage leave me as I blast bottles off a fence post.  That’s as good a place as any for it.  I’ve already taken proactive steps to protect myself, but damn it I would really like one entire day where I don’t feel like I’m being attacked.

Lately my days have left me feeling less valued, needed, whatever.  I admit that I’m to blame for the cave I’ve created for myself.  Becoming self aware of the problem was a really big step but I’m still in the dark.  I really hope that someday soon people will seek me out and want me to come “outside” with them.  Not out of pity, not because I’ve written something emotional.  I want it to happen because something about me piqued their interest enough to want to know more.  Is it asking too much for some sort of recognition or acknowledgment of the effort you take regardless of how big the step?

I’ve been holed up in this cave by myself long enough.  I realize the journey out is mine to take.  However, it’d be great if along the way parts of it I found myself joined by old friends.  Perhaps other parts joined by new friends.  Maybe a hand to help guide me or a shoulder to help steady me.  Most importantly, help finding joy in the littlest of things along the way.