Finding Confidence

How often is it really that people freely admit they’re having problems in their own lives in a public forum such as this?  Beyond a private or “friends-only” post?  I’d venture it’s seldom or otherwise vague in detail.  I am having problems and I think discussing them publicly may be one of the best forms of solving it.  I don’t know.  I may find out that I was completely wrong.  I hope I’m right.

I’ve realized and come to terms with the fact that I have a confidence problem.  I am not happy with this lack of confidence.  Confidence that I once had which has somehow been lost.  I’m uncertain how I got to this point.  I am certain I want it restored.  I want to not only begin writing something but have the confidence to finish it.  I no longer want to be afraid to talk to not only new people but people whom I’ve spoken with for years.  I don’t want to constantly second guess myself and my decisions that affect my interaction with people.  By not talking with people I’m not protecting myself but only distancing myself from a fuller life.

This lack of confidence likely comes as a shock to those who know me well.  I guess I’ve been good at hiding my own shortcomings.  On the other hand, those whom I’ve not spoken with now have insight as to why.  It’s human to have fears but I’ve allowed some of mine to affect me negatively.  I’ve become detached from parts of my life that once brought great joys.  Some have been replaced with new things but in others there is just emptiness.  I believe that emptiness only gave a place for the fear to take root.  It’s time to clean it up and let those joys grow again in my life.

I’m not sure whether there is much value in identifying cause and effect.  Perhaps that is part of the healing process and moving forward.  At this point I’m focused on moving forward which at times means forcefully.  I’m not taking this on alone but I realize that I am the only one who can ultimately make the necessary change.  It may be easy or it may be difficult.  I don’t know which it will be.  It will not happen overnight and while would wouldn’t like an instant solution.  The time will be good and allow healing and growth.  Slow growth.  That which will provide the strength to withstand the next time my confidence is challenged.