Insomnia, Pain, Aggravation, Frustration

I cannot sleep.  Several more days remain before I’m finished with the tapering dose of steroids.  The insomnia as a result actually seemed to be improving in the last couple days.  Yesterday I actually slept 4 consecutive hours without waking up.  It’s sad that short amount of time is something that I was excited about.  It was such a welcome change to the up every two hours or less.

But, that was yesterday.  Tonight I sit here wide awake.  Not even a yawn.  It’s further complicated by the pain and aggravation in my muscles.  My legs feel as if they’re on fire, burning deep within the muscles.  The muscles themselves are pulled tight like steel tension lines.  A nice long stay in the hot tub earlier tonight helped relax them for a time.  That too has passed.  No matter how I lay one or more muscles contract causing me to wince.  There’s really not much I can do.  I’ve taken the muscle relaxers.  I’ve taken OTC pain relievers.  I’ve even prayed.

All of this just frustrates me.  I try reading a book to maybe get me ready to fall asleep.  Nope.  I turn on the Sirius Spa Channel in the hopes that the music might lull me away.  Notta.  I click on the television and skip over to the History Channel.  Surely whatever this dry program is will bore me to sleep.  Not happening.  I’m to the point where I’m actually considering buying the movie “Brokeback Mountain” tomorrow.  There’s honestly not been a single time that I’ve seen a part of that movie where I didn’t begin to yawn and doze off.  Nah, I’d rather Netflix it than spend the $20.  I wouldn’t want people to see it in my DVD collection and mistakenly think I thought enough of the movie to actually own it.  I’ve tried other means as well but those aren’t cooperating either.  The frustration probably only compounds the underlying issues there as well.

So, I sit here now and type.  This too aggravates and frustrates because even in the twilight hours I’m reminded of the ludicrously pitiful ISP I have no choice but to use.  If there is one, single pain point of living in a rural setting, it is the lack of a legitimate ISP.  Granted, I chose to live this far outside of town.  True, I knew that I was limited to only one provider.  However, when I first subscribed the service was significantly more reliable.  Now they’ve oversold beyond their capacities and the customers are the ones suffering from their shortsightedness.  I’ve often dreamed that they would be bought out by another of the regional ISPs.  If I were to fall asleep I might just have that dream again.  Religiously each month I check with AT&T in the hopes that they might finally replace the equipment that is literally just around the corner from my house so that I could subscribe to DSL.  That too hasn’t happened.

So, I lay here.  Awake.  Pained.  Aggravated.  Frustrated.  In my mind I think now would be a time that I’d love to just stand at the top of a cliff and start throwing dinner plates like frisbees.  Jumping with joy as they smashed to hundreds of pieces on the hard ground below.  But then, I don’t have a lot of extra plates just laying around for a good smashing.  I’m sure someone would also tell me that destructive acts aren’t the way to deal with my emotions.  It makes me wonder.  Do the people that give that sort of advice to people ever have any fun?

Maybe this has helped.  I just yawned.